A Month Of Wet

It rained in June. A lot. I realize that this is the rainy season, but I have lived in this city for about five years and I have never seen it this wet. My county is considered the hottest in the entire country. Typhoons either hit us directly or come pretty close every year and none of them have brought as much rain. I lived a little farther north in a wetter county my first few years in this country. It never rained nearly as much there. There was a category 4 super typhoon during my first typhoon season in the country that ran right over my little town and a category 5 the next year. Neither brought as much rain as this June.

It rained every day in June. It was not a constant Forrest Gump rain. Sometimes it would stop for a few hours, but there was some amount of rainfall every single day. And it was raining every day I drove to work. If you know anything about the way the Chinese drive then you know why this is exceptionally dangerous. It rained almost every day in July, but there were a few relatively dry days and even one or two where one could see the sun.

When I was 8 it rained a lot. It seemed like it rained forever, but it was probably only a few days. I looked it up online and some almanac site said there was 33.44 inches (849mm) of rainfall that year; the most in over 100 years. So maybe my memory is not so exaggerated. That same site said that 2005 was even worse (38”/964mm), but I was not there.

By comparison, we usually get about 1800mm of rain here every year. There are no official figures for this June yet. At least I could not find any in the five seconds I looked. But I found a news article that reported 611mm of rainfall. In one month. That seems like a lot to me. And it rains less here than most counties.

I have been to Thailand during the rainy season. It rains a lot there, too. Bangkok gets about 300mm in September. It is always hot and humid in Bangkok, but I have never seen it rain there as much as it is raining here. I have been to Hong Kong in August, when they get an average of 400mm. It did not rain nearly as much as it is raining here. But Hong Kong’s weather has been odd lately, what with a horrible pollution problem and all that fake climate change the Boston reenactors like to tell you about. The last 10 years have set new records in heat and rain.

One of the foreigners at my school is from England and he said it has rained more here than anything he has ever seen there. I always thought London was a particularly rainy city, but everything I have seen during my brief rainfall research says that there is rarely over 60mm in any given month. That seems piss poor by Asian standards.

There was one day at work when lightning was clearly visible from the classrooms. The reason we saw lightning on only one day is because the buildings here are so close together that one cannot see the sky without standing on the top floor and making an unreasonable effort to look upward. My school is in a small town, but the downtown area likes to pretend that it is a big city. The children reacted much as my class did when I was five years old. Except that these children are all over 10 and they live in a part of the world that sees far more rain and lightning than I did at their age. Their exaggerated reactions to common events never fail to surprise me. Lizards used to enter the classroom every day in the tiny farm village I lived in a few years ago. The children would always scream and panic at first sight. And then their attention was always fixed on the lizard rather than whatever fascinating grammar point I was teaching until it left the room. Mosquitos are the most common pest around here; in numbers probably as numerous as cockroaches and scooter monkeys. And yet every single time one flies into the classroom it gets the students’ undivided attention. When a cockroach enters the room I might as well dismiss the class. I suppose I should be most surprised by my own reactions since their melodramatics are such common events.

In sharp contrast to the predictable reactions of Chinese children, my American adult reactions sometimes even surprise myself. With all the rain there has been a fair amount of lightning. Largely invisible in the classroom, it is noticeable at home and even more obvious on the road. Usually when I drive to work there is lightning somewhere in the distance. After watching it almost every day for over two months it became far too commonplace to warrant a mention. But one day the lightning realized that sparks in the distance were not impressing me and it decided to give me a more interesting show. Instead of ignoring brief flashes from one direction I was looking at bright lights bursting all around me. And the accompanying thunder was so loud that I could hear it over the tunes blasting in the car. I wanted to pull over and watch but I was on the way to work. And I never leave early enough to make time to stop and watch the lightning.

The good thing about driving in constant traffic is that when you drive through a lightning storm there really is no need to worry about your car acting as a lightning rod. There are always plenty of trucks and larger vehicles around me to take one for the team should the need arise. I never got to see that, but while I was at a red light I watched a nearby tree explode like Peter North. It was super cool, as the kids say. I assume some children somewhere say that. I have never been the kind of person who particularly cares about fireworks shows, but watching that lightning tear the shit out of that tree gave me all the oohs and aahs I need to fill my recommended daily allowance.

Another oddity and something that did not really occur to me until late June is that despite all the rain there has been little if any flooding. There was a typhoon last year that killed about a thousand people and left over 100,000 homeless. The agriculture industry is still recovering. Most typhoons kill a dozen or so people. And this was only a small category 1 typhoon. It was unusually dry prior to the typhoon so once the rains came they caused mudslides and floods that did most of the damage. An entire town was wiped off the map by mudslides. It is no more. Pi Chi went there. I have seen pictures.

This year’s month of wet was proceeded by plenty of rain. It did not rain every day in May, but there was more than enough for my liking. One of my concerns when we moved to our current apartment was that the windows do not let in nearly as much light as in our previous apartment. This has not been an issue since there have only been a few sunny days in the entire time we have been here. It has been the opposite of super cool.

Seven Year Itch

It is over. I tried everything I could to fix it, but it simply was not meant to be. I really do not believe that things are meant to be or not, but sometimes it is much easier to tell yourself when something turns to shit that it was not meant to be. And I suppose I cannot say that I exhausted every possible means to fix it. The more I think about it, the more options there probably are. But I am getting older and less willing to put more time and effort into lost causes than I used to be.

I bought my computer before I moved to this strange and exotic land where unbridled selfishness and bridled generosity coexist side by side. Actually, I only bought half of it. My brother and his wife threw the other half into the pot. That was a very good deal for me since I was trying to save as much money as I possibly could to move to the other side of the world. As it turned out I had just enough cash to make it to my first paycheck. We will call it a paycheck for the sake of discussion. Nobody is paid in checks around here. Had I bought my computer by myself I would have had to cash a traveler’s check. I am not really sure why I had traveler’s checks. They seem completely unnecessary now. Bill Gates could walk down the streets around here with whatever he spends on blow each week and he would be completely safe. I use Mr Gates as an example because you have to assume that his addictions are far more expensive than ours and he is not exactly Mr Olympia. A 90 pound Chinese dude could take him down.

I want to say that the computer was good to me, but it was trouble right from the beginning. The first time I turned it on it would not turn on. There was always some problem between the battery and the steam pistons or whatever the battery connects to to make the gears and widgets spin round. It turns out my computer was what people in the know call “refurbished”. I bought a used computer without knowing I was buying a used computer. This meant that in addition to all the problems you get when you buy someone else’s computer, it was older than a new computer would have been. This will be an important point as this riveting tale develops. Believe me, you do not want to just skip to the end. You want to read every little detail from beginning to end so you get the full effect of this topsy turvy, yet literarily oblique and heart-warming story of a hooker with a heart of gold and an abandoned companion monkey for the handicapped who shows her the true meaning of Columbus Day just before her top secret rocket scientist ex-fiance discovers that meteors are heading toward the Moon and that the impact will cause the Moon to collide with the Earth and the only person who can save the bookish college girl’s rags to riches wedding to the prince (of darkness?) is a former professional baseball player turned alcoholic bounty hunter whose mother discovered a cure for Tourette syndrome just before she was shipwrecked on a deserted island that holds strange powers for anyone willing to make a leap of faith and journey into the unknown world of those orange traffic cones. I am thinking Judi Dench as Earth President and Steve Guttenberg as the voice of the caterpillar.

Eventually I found that my computer worked best without the battery. This was not much of an issue at home since I could plug it into the wall, but proved problematic whenever I wanted to utilize its portability as a laptop, or what the kids today call a notebook computer. I have never actually used a computer on my lap, so I suppose notebook makes more sense. But I still call them laptops.

Another consideration is that I lived in a very dirty town for the first few years that I had this computer. Most of the towns around here are dirty. This is a pretty dirty country. I guess after five thousand years of brutal rule by emperors and dictators cleanliness becomes less of a priority. If you take your laptop off your lap and take the battery out you may notice that the innards of your computer are exposed for all the elements to see. A laptop without a battery in a dirty environment soon becomes a dirty laptop. I am no expert on electronical things but I assume that filth and insects having a party inside the computer is not good. So I used to unplug the battery and leave it inside. This is actually a bad idea.

Computers get hot. Laptop computers run hotter than those lapless computers. There is a little sticker on my computer that says it is supposed to run hot and the user, in this case me, should just chill. Ain’t nothing but a thing. I am paraphrasing.

Did you know that the contacts on laptop computer batteries melt easily? They do. Or at least mine did. My computer’s battery was rendered useless by my actions only a few months after I bought half the thing. This was never really an issue since the computer never worked with the battery anyway.

Since this was my first laptop I was not at all familiar with the mouse. When I first got it to turn on I was all like dude. My sister-in-law said, “Yo, Homes. Don’t go all mental and stuff. You’ll get used to it.” And she was right. I took to using that weird laptop mouse like a duck to sweet and sour sauce. And then it broke down on me. The little finger pad that moves the cursor around was fully functional, as they all are when I use my fingers, but the buttons were as useless as earplugs on Buddha’s birthday.

Then I up and got me a virus. This was one of those famous viruses that was doing the rounds so I felt better about it. Then I realized that I was just as stupid as every other dipshit in the world who got the famous virus. Boss Lady’s husband also got the virus and he said he took his computer to some guy somewhere and gave his computer some antibiotics. This presented an interesting dilemma. I could either buy a new computer or let some guy somewhere have my computer for a few days and hope for the best. The first lesson all foreigners learn when they come here is that not a single one of these people can drive to save their lives. The second lesson is that absolutely none of them seem to take any pride in their work. Everywhere I have ever gone I have seen that doing a mediocre job is always good enough. Perhaps the horrid driving, laziness and indifference to the consequences of both are related. I settled on using some questionable bootleg CD from Boss Lady’s husband and it completely wiped out the virus. As far as I know.

Bootleg CDs are a dime a dozen around here. Go to any night market and you will see bins full of CDs, often at prices as low as 10 for $1. A dime is never what it used to be and a dozen is an alien concept. Eggs sell in cartons of ten or less. Or more. But not 12. You can get movies that have not yet come out in American theaters and music CDs by bands that misspell their own names and do not seem to know which songs should be on which albums. I have seen that Tom Cruise movie, “Top Guy”, more times than I can count. Bootleg software is also very popular.

Pi Chi has at least three computers, which is how I am able to make the magic that you are reading at this exact moment in time. None of them have an officially authorized copy of Windows. One of them has a little popup message every time she turns it on that tells her that real Windows is better. Other than that popup her bootleg Windows seems to work just as well. The computer that I am using right now has a bootleg antivirus program that constantly says that the same virus is alive and well. Whenever I tell it to do its job it says it has. The next time I turn the computer on that same virus pops up according to the bootleg software.

My own computer has the latest and greatest of official antivirus software known to humanity. It was not easy to get. One can actually buy legal software around here. It is uncommon, but possible. The hard part was finding what I wanted in English. I would have settled for what I did not want in English. Everything readily available is in Chinese and when I began this quest five or six years ago my Chinese was limited to “how much for special service” and “is there any eel rectum in that”.

I tried to download the official English version of what I wanted but the Internet said no. That could have been because of some virus that was smart enough to keep me from getting what I needed to kill it or it could have been because quite a few websites around here are blocked. I have no idea why an official English antivirus website would be blocked, but poems seldom rhyme in Chinese and reason is subjective.

I just happen to know someone who works for the very same company that makes the antivirus software that I wanted. He said he would send me a copy. A legal copy, I assumed. Unfortunately, he seems to be busier than St Claus on the odd year when the new viagra prescription coincidentally comes in on Christmas day and our frequency of communication trickled down as it often does when people move to the other side of the world. I seem to talk to very few people on that hemisphere these days, and only rarely.

When I went to Korea in the spring or autumn of whatever year that was I thought I might be able to find something in Seoul. After all, Seoul is a hotbed of computer-like activity, as hot beds go. It took some effort but I found something in English in that computer area that you have to walk through that tunnel to get to. You know the one. My concern was that English does not always mean English. It said English in English on the box. I checked for any typos or the obvious mistakes one finds in everything written in English by people who do not know English. It said it was official and had an official seal, but so do many bootlegs. I took a chance and bought it since I never found anything better. When I took it home everything looked English and official. It never worked. I have no idea why. If I used to know then I cannot remember. If it was a bootleg it was the best looking bootleg of anything I have ever seen.

I eventually got my official antivirus software in English from a Best Buy in California. They did not ship it to me. None of those places ship out of the United States. I just happen to know someone who went to California during my antivirus quest and he was as busy as Claus in July when the Mrs is in niddah. It is not who you know but when you know them.

What finally killed my computer was not any virus or battery problem or mouse. My computer actually still works. The problem is that the adapter is dead. If you have been paying attention you know why I cannot use my computer without the adapter. Finding a new adapter has proven impossible* (refer to the opening paragraph). It seems that my adapter was made about ten years ago. They simply do not make them in that size any more. I can get an adapter locally with the correct volts and amps but it will not physically plug into my computer. I can get an adapter to the adapter online, but the two sizes that seem to be available with the correct volts and amps are not the right size for my computer. The person I spoke to who seemed to be the most knowledgeable about these things said that it is generally assumed that nobody has a computer that was made ten years ago. Not in the laptop variety at least.

I can use one of Pi Chi’s largely illegal computers and keep searching in vain for a used 10-year-old adapter or I can get a new computer. The problem with buying a new computer is the same as buying anything else around here. Getting Windows in English legally will be difficult. My Chinese is better than it was six years ago, but if I know anything about computers it is that wacky shit will happen. Sometimes it is hard enough to interpret English messages when it happens. I do not think anyone teaches a course on wacky computer shit Chinese. Pi Chi’s probably illegal computer was nice enough to prove my point and did some wacky shit while I was typing the part about Korea. It did things I have never seen before on any computer in any language and I pushed enough buttons to stop it. I have no idea what happened or how I fixed it. Which only means I have no idea what to do the next time.

Finding Windows in English is only half the battle. Once I did I would have to install it myself. If I let the computer people install it they would do their usual half-assed job. I installed Windows 95 on a computer 100 years ago. It took a very long time. I assume whatever the latest version of Windows is takes longer. Since it is new and improved maybe it is faster. Somehow I doubt it. If installing Windows Today is anything like installing Windows 95 then I know the Chinese computer shop guy will simply click yes to everything or no to everything. Neither is probably in my best interest. There will also be other options that he does not understand and he will just click at random. And the installation will probably be incomplete so I will have constant issues for the life of the computer. Installing it myself is the only option. My complete lack of faith in Chinese professionals is not mere cynicism. It comes from experience.

Another point to consider is that the computers here are crap. Everything is made in China anyway but what they make for the Western market is of much higher quality than what they make for Asia. All the Chinese on the keyboard does not bother me since I never look at teh kyebroad wehjn I tipe anjwey. But the quality bothers me. It is like playing on a Playskool instead of a Steinway. My old powerless Chinese American laptop has a sweet keyboard. The Chinese Chinese keyboard that I am typing on now reminds me of an old 10-key calculator I used when I worked at a bedroom furniture manufacturer in Lynwood. That place was about 30 years behind the times then.

The good news about getting a new computer is the same as it always is when you leave behind a 10-year-old computer. My late computer has a 40GB hard drive, 512MB memory. That was pretty good 10 years ago. Every time I plug anything into a USB port I get a message that says, “This device can perform faster.” Sadly, it cannot. The USB port is 10 years old. When I play CDs on the computer it is not really what you might call CD quality. And DVDs are hilarious. If you like the Keystone Kops.

I was using Word 2000. There was nothing wrong with it, but now that I have seen the newest version, or at least the newest Chinese bootleg version, I am a little perplexed by all the bells and whistles. There are icons that might as well be in Chinese. And more than a few that are.

I have thought about buying a computer online. Buying a computer online seems strange to me. Like renting a car to buy a new car. I have never been much of an online shopper. None of the American manufacturers or retailers that I have looked at ship internationally. Pi Chi and I will be taking a trip soon. I am thinking about getting a new computer then. English Windows might still be a challenge but at least I should be able to find it in a language I am more comfortable with than Chinese. Pi Chi routinely tells me that I should have bought a computer when we were in South Africa last year. I could live with the improper British spelling but my time machine is still in the shop. I am letting Chinese repairmen work on it so it might be a while.