Easy your life.

Update History

15 March 2012

NB

I went to the post office to pay the Wife’s bills, as I often do. As a foreigner, I wait in line until it is my turn. I use the word line loosely. What we call a line and the British incorrectly call a queue, the Chinese call a bunch of people all trying to be first all the time.

There are four easy ways to tell that I am a foreigner. I do not even look vaguely Chinese, I rarely spit on public floors, I know what soap is and I wait for my turn. More often than not while I am waiting in line one or more Chinese will push their way to the front. It is not that they are all selfish assholes. That is simply the Chinese way. Also, they are all selfish assholes.

When it is my turn and some selfish Chinese pushes their way in front of me, I usually tell them in Chinese that they have lost face, or I call them selfish homosexuals. This is when they suddenly act surprised that someone else exists. No matter what batshit stupid thing they are doing, they are always baffled whenever anyone calls them on it. Even after all these years, I am still amused by how surprised these people are when they discover that they are not alone on this planet.

I might as well point out that I have no phobia of homosexuals. Except lesbians. Any woman who does not want me clearly has issues. But calling Chinese people homosexual shocks them. They do not care if you call them monkeys, and calling them pigs only mildly annoys them. But if you call them gay, they react as if you just shot their dog. But not really, since these people treat dogs as common sewer rats. I simply used that expression to convey my point. I could also say they react as if you have stolen their television. Losing your television or being homosexual is a fate worse than waiting your turn around here.

When it was my turn at the post office today, some selfish Chinese pushed her way in front of me, as they often do. Rather than engage in a futile attempt to educate her on the most basic points of living in a civilized society, I simply grabbed her money and threw it on the ground. This was probably not the most polite thing to do, but people tell me I need to act more like the Chinese. One cannot be polite and Chinese at the same time.

It should be noted that grabbing someone’s money around here does not elicit any police attention. I could pick every pocket in a room full of dirty smokers and the police officer watching me in the corner would do absolutely nothing. As long as I do not disturb his betel nuts or rob the business that paid him a little extra under the table to be there, he genuinely could not care less. The last thing these police want to do is any paperwork. Preventing crime or apprehending suspects simply requires too much effort.

The Chinese woman whose money I threw on the floor seemed surprised to discover that someone else exists. I cannot read their minds, Buddha be praised, so I will paraphrase what she was thinking.

“Foreigner throw monies? Me no like! All I do push in front, me go, I busy, me go now! Why foreigner do?”

Obviously she was not thinking this. That would indicate an understanding that actions have consequences. When bad things happen to the Chinese it is never because of anything they did. That day was simply the unluck. They can only comprehend consequences when it is someone else’s fault.

A special note to you politically correct douchebags: characterizing a Chinese person as saying “me no like” is not racist. “No likey chop suey” might be since there is nothing called chop suey around here and no one says “no likey”. But I have heard hundreds or thousands of Chinese say “me no like”. English grammar is incredibly complex compared to Chinese grammar and even the best students struggle with it. So, as Gandhi used to say, “Take your PC manual back to Lillypop and Gumdrop Land where all men and womyn are evolved equally and learn something about the world outside your little utopian bubble before you open your smug hippie mouth.” Sometimes the Mahatma really laid it down.

I also want to point out that while the Chinese woman was on the floor picking up her money and I was paying the Wife’s bills, the clerk never even raised an eyebrow. This is not only because they are physically incapable of raising a single eyebrow and are always baffled that we can. He simply did not give a shit about what I did any more than he ever gives a shit about the thousands of people he sees pushing their way to the front of the “line” every day. I cannot read his mind either, but he was mostly thinking about how many minutes there were until he could go to the nearest KTV to get drunk and participate in some illegal but ignored prostitution. I assume.

Putting myself in their shoes, I would be ever so pissed if someone grabbed my money and threw it on the ground. But it is very difficult to put myself in their shoes. Figuratively, of course. Most Chinese rarely wear shoes. I simply do not think the way they do. Once again, I cannot read their minds, so I have no idea what they are thinking when they do the horribly selfish things they do. But I know from firsthand experience that they are oblivious to the people around them, whether they are walking in the middle of the street, urinating on public benches or driving on the sidewalk. And this is as dangerous as it sounds.

For someone to grab my money at the post office, they would have to physically pry it out of my cold, live hands. To grab their money, one simply needs to take it off the counter where they have thrown it down as a way to lay claim to that space, as if to say, my money is now in front of you, therefore it is now my turn.

I cannot imagine wanting to hate my fellow man as much as they do, but this may be my own lack of imagination. Perhaps there is some benefit to being such a selfish asshole that I cannot fathom. I would feel bad about pushing everyone out of my way, treating public spaces as public toilets, killing children, raping the environment, sneezing in someone’s face, stealing wheelchairs and blocking fire exits. But maybe that has more to do with my own cultural hang-ups than the inherent flaws in their culture. Maybe my culture’s ideas of right of way, first come first served, do unto others, don’t kill everybody, a waiting room chair is not a toilet are flawed and the free wheeling Chinese idea of everyone do whatever the hell you want is the way to go. Different strokes.

From my point of view, I would have to be a horribly selfish asshole to act as they do. But that is not their point of view. One could argue that I am a visitor in their land. If I live here until the day I die, and this is very possible what with the way they drive, I will always be a visitor. Their culture should feel no need to adapt to the ways of my culture. As the foreigner, I should adapt. And indeed I think I have. I never complain when they scream at the top of their lungs into their cellphones. Even when it is in an elevator or other small space. I never scream pointedly into my cellphone anymore. When they eat with their mouths wide open and food spills out all over themselves, their tables and the floors around them, I never even notice anymore. I will sometimes point the food on my wife’s shirt out to her, but never in a what-the-hell-kind-of-pig-are-you way. We both usually laugh about her inability to keep food in her mouth. And I cannot remember the last time I saw a mother help her child urinate in the middle of the street because it phases me not. They treat their own country as a giant garbagie can. Who am I to say that this may not be ideal.

I still complain early and often about their horrendous driving, but that is only because I take issue with being killed and watching others killed simply because these people would rather kill and die than wait their turn. No matter how much I adapt to their ways, I like to think that I will always have a problem with being murdered by some selfish asshole.

When I paid the Wife’s bills and walked away, the woman whose money I threw on the floor took her unrightful turn before everyone else and did whatever she was there to do. No one said anything to me about what I did and no one besides me said anything to her about what she did. It was simply another day at the post office.

Somewhere there is a Chinese Facebook entry that reads, “Foreigner throw monies in floor! Unbelieve! Dinner tonight cat! Making delicious!”


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